A few weeks as I was driving my 11 year old to school, we listened to the current events on NPR. Sometimes we turn it off because the content is too intense. However, I was unable to catch the volume button before learning about the mass shooting at Robb Elementary School in Uvalde, Texas this week.
I held my son’s hand as I had uncontrollable tears. I kept driving. This was hard to do, but he has been late so many times because of our long hot breakfasts and family talks in the morning. We are always cutting it close. because we love being together at home.
At the red light, I looked at him as I composed myself on how to guide my son into his school today after hearing about the loss of lives of children who also walked into a school just like he was about to do.
There is no playbook on how to handle these devastating marks of suffering for the victims, the families of the victims, the perpetrator, and the community that will feel this loss of lives for decades. There are so many of these acts of mass shootings now that there are now resources to help prevent this level of antisocial behavior. However, not every community has these resources.
In the moment of listening to this horrific news, we held hands. I told him I loved him and he asked me, “Why do school shootings happen?”. Off the cuff, I shared the loss that the perpetrator must have experienced proceeding the event. The loss of attention, love, and devotion from family, perhaps. Maybe he felt a loss of connections with people in the community?
The subtle complexity of mental illness.
Mental illness is not always identified and sorted out in childhood. The subtle nature of mental illness is nuanced and requires support and rigor in finding the right support team to develop a plan for anyone with this kind of antisocial disorder stirring.
Silence can be a well-honed skill for a child that has been neglected. The building rage may not be noticeable. The complexities of deconstructing the will to kill brings a triage affect in our communities. Psychologists, psychiatrists, medical doctors, social workers, law enforcement, educators, administrators all come together to triage a child showing external rage and anti-social behavior.
These professionals and community members represent a high-touch experience. How did it get to this point?
Isolation to depersonalization.
We aren’t born to kill. Life presents obstacles for individuals of misfortune. Inattention, neglect, and depersonalization contribute to a manifestation of antisocial behavior. Those who are given love, respect, devotion, share this with themselves and the world. The anomaly of murderous mental discord is not part of our DNA. We are wired to thrive at birth. We have a directive to live and survive.
Helping others, grooming our bodies, eating healthy foods, moving our bodies, and respecting members of our community are part of our learning. We are taught to do these kinds of things. Simple actions of being social develop members of society who are functional and able to adapt and cope in an ever-changing world.
With technology present 1:1 for growing children, we find that the occasional wander into a virtual space that teaches aberrant behavior can cultivate new realities. This can be attractive to individuals who are already feeling as if they don’t belong. Isolation presents an opportunity for those with misfortune to begin to reshape their thinking. The challenge and collaboration of others to offer new facets and community connections, sadly, is not part of an experience in isolation.
Maybe this is new information for you. Maybe I am not sharing anything with you that you don’t already know. However, breaking this down for my son felt important because this keeps happening. There has been a breakdown in our communities around mental illness. With present technology, isolated individuals can cultivate their own idea of community through the vast space of the internet.
Access to guns.
A parallel breakdown in our safety is also true: the proliferation of access to guns. Being #1 in the world for mass shootings, open access to guns is of equal importance to that of mental illness. As I explained this to my son, he completely understood this to be true. Because it is true.
The concerning part of this dichotomy is that when access to guns is easier to get than mental health counseling, we have a problem.
This kind of problem feels unsolvable when our public leaders are married into the directives of gun lobbyists for the sake of money. Do public leaders equate the value of money over the value of LIFE?
The Right to LIVE.
The word LIFE reminds me of the tone of recent current events to overturn Roe v. Wade. I find an inconsistency in conservatives who share the value of life without the basic understanding of the nature of the mechanics of guns: to kill.
I know these folks are educated and under-thinking the relationships of guns to human lives. But really, what hunter is using an automatic weapon to hunt for deer or ducks?
Why does Texas allow anyone over 18 to carry a rifle without a carrying license? This is the same state that has put the heartbeat law into action to “save” unborn lives. The overlapping value systems of “allow access to guns” and “preserve unborn lives” presents a conflict when I consider the nature of the right to live was taken away for 21 precious lives lost at the hand of an AR rifle. This rifle was legal to carry openly until he reached the school. Guns aren’t legally allowed on school premises. However, this law didn’t matter when the gunman began shooting children.
Politics aside, why would we want to continue open access to guns when lives are continued to be lost because of unbalanced individuals turning on humanity?
Back to the answer to my son, I shared with him that something like this is complicated. There isn’t a single answer. This is true. He understands this, as he is 11. His question was rhetorical in nature.
We must cultivate HOPE.
As I looked into my son’s eyes, I remember years ago when my daughter was in first grade (my son was 1.5 years) and we were part of a healing ritual of making snowflakes in her class to send to Sandy Hook Elementary School. 26 lives were lost and the gunman took his own life.
This practice of having a simple action to pour our feelings into provided healing. This also presented an opportunity to discuss the nature of this kind of unbelievable action. During that time, despite the deep feelings of ungrounded sadness and confusion, the children were, of course, deeply moved. For my daughter and her friends, a new level of maturity, even for 7 and 8 year olds was present after that event.
I remember this sweet skill of cutting paper to be done with intention and great care. Something the kids could do with skill and creativity helped process these emotions.
I also recall the children being more resilient than the grown ups, as most parents knew the tragedies that have unfolded since Columbine in 1999 to that date in 2012. The children were not privy to this current of cultural malaise the way we were. The way we still are.
For our children, nieces, nephews, and young people growing up in this world, we must build hope in their lives. We must help them learn of the distinct resilience to strengthen the mind to cope with this kind of persistent human struggle. We must remind them of the will to survive rippling in our biological DNA.
“It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.”
Fredrick Douglass
When my children were smaller, teaching them that guns are not things that we play with. “We” (as a family) don’t identify with using guns for play or otherwise. Breaking down the logistics into bite-sized talking points can ease the overwhelming nature of this magnitude. Sharing in short intentional conversations and providing lots of loving attention right now will help us notice our kids’ needs.
Take care in curating the narrative for your impressionable child. Partner with your child’s teacher to learn of ways to unify the way it is being discussed in the class community.
Take ACTION.
Finally, I recommend taking ACTION to synthesize this pain into a positive action. Uplift yourself and those around you to acknowledge these lives lost. Do this in a way that can also help you integrate the big thoughts and feelings into actions. Make healing visuals to send to the school. Demonstrate peace. Advocate for access to mental health care, or opportunities to channel your ideas around gun violence in way that can benefit all people.
I have been a part of peaceful protests led by Moms Demand Action and my children also walked with me. It was therapeutic and healing. On a spiritual level, we saw several pods of dolphins under the Golden Gate Bridge during one march, and it fed my soul. I also really like the work being done by Every Town Research. This kind of research offers easy access to data to help you make your own informed decisions around why minimizing gun access is necessary to avoid antisocial behavior like a mass shooting.
Also, take care of YOU! Children learn from grown ups how to take care of themselves. Kids absorb the energy they are around and will feel your thoughts, even if you don’t always speak them. Do what you need to do to grieve. Do what you need to do to balance your mind with meditation, exercise, and a diet to thrive.
Thank you for reading this post. It has been on my mind and part of this was included in a community outreach to my children’s elementary school community. I hope you will find some takeaways that made you reconsider your own thoughts. Please share what I may have missed in my anecdote in the comments below!
Photo credits: Guille Pozzi
